Part 1: Becoming Who I needed To Be

I am 51 years old, and for the first time in my life, I'm showing up in my relationships as my full, embodied, healing self. Not the survival version of me. Not the "good Christian" version. Not the quiet, people pleasing, managing-everyone version. Just Me.

When I enter Relationships now, I don't come with an agenda. I don't try to fix, save, or prove. I let people be who they are, and I show up as me. That is freedom, but its also been one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Developmental trauma shaped my relationships long before religion ever did. Growing up in chaos, abuse, and addiction, I learned to hide who I really was. I performed to stay safe and to feel loved. Authenticity was dangerous, so I became whoever I needed to be to survive.

In Christian culture, relationships were often built on performance. The more you did, the more you were valued. Volunteer, pray, lead, serve, pour yourself out. The more you gave, the more "mature" you seemed.

Friendships became ministry. Love came with conditions. Connection often had an agenda. There was always a hierarchy of who was "strong" who was "struggling" who was "in" and who was "backsliding."

I was loved for my usefulness, not my humanity. It took years to see how deeply that pattern ran and how both trauma and religion had taught me that love had to be earned.

In Part 2, I will share what happened when that pattern began to break and when belonging no longer felt like love and how that loss became the beginning of real healing.

By Carrie Payne